Dumb Libido

Is this what being hung over feels like?

It feels like it's been years since I've had this pang between my ears and the nausea built up inside. It's so bright outside.

I woke up next to Buffy this morning.

Yes, like the vampire slayer. She said she always loved the show and renamed herself almost instantly once everything went to shit. She met up with Jeremy and the others after a few months on the run. Jeremy is smitten with her but is involved with Krista. Krista is also involved with Oliver and John, from what I gather.

I'm warming up a few coals to boil water to make coffee. Buffy is still passed out inside. What the fuck is wrong with me? These people have been here for three days and I'm shacking up with one?

Well, I don't think we did anything too much last night. Not that I remember anyway. It's all a blur really. A big, big, blur. I can't trust this girl, she may have planned something awful for the rest. Maybe she was just slowing me down so her friends could get to the others?

Fuck.

I can't believe I let my dumb libido get in the way... again.

Fuck.

Broken

They've added me to patrol. Davis and his family moved into a new apartment to be away from 301.

The twins have started crashing at my place at least once a week. It's a mess. The group is broken. Benny tries to keep watch but he mainly seems to be focusing on his house. I haven't heard the baby cry at all. I don't know if that means it didn't survive or the house is just excellent at hiding noise. They've had their windows closed.its been a hundred degrees. I don't know how they are dealing. I haven't been in there.

Group meals are now a thing of the past. Davis sneaks over to peek in on the Benny family to make sure no one has turned.. for our safety. He often jokes about going in and killing Benny, the sisterwives and the infant. The eldest child is almost a teenager and could be of use and the other two are old enough to adjust.

I told him I'd only kill them off once they join the ranks of the undead. Not before.

I keep waiting for the screams of despair and more death. We are less safe being broken. I realize now how much I need people. Being alone made me go crazy. I survived but to what avail? The twins and I made a pact. If their parents die or their parents and the Benny family start a war within themselves, we are booking it elsewhere.

I just hope the group can recover.

Howls

It's been raining pretty much nonstop all week.

Zombies aren't a fan of rain. They are like any other animal when a storm comes into town, they find a crevice and stay there. Well, most of the time.
When you live in a horror movie you plan on horrible things happening during a heavy rain.

The twins came over for coffee and board games since the rain wasn't allowing much else. After the board games and coffee we did some sit ups and crunches as well as push ups and jumping jacks. The rain still didn't let up.... then we heard a howl.

It was like a werewolf movie. Too human to be animal and too animal to be human. Charlie put a hand on her gun, "What the fuck was that?" I was trying to remember if wolves were even normal to Louisiana-- I had guessed not.

We covertly left my apartment and followed the howl.

We followed that grisly noise to the 301.

We saw candle light in the second level windows, a huge rule breaker for the group. Any notable kind of light at night would give us away to zombies or worse: other breathers.

Davis was already halfway up the stairs when we got there. Charlie opened her umbrella over us. "What? I'm not going to keep getting drenched if I don't have to." Was her response.

We followed Davis up the stairs but we were quite a few paces behind him so we ended up plowing into him at the top. Davis readied his weapon and nodded for us to do the same. Charlie sat the umbrella down to ready her weapon. When he was satisfied he slowly opened the door.

Benny and Randi were bent over a mattress in the middle of the livingroom, blood was everywhere at their knees. The three kids were huddled in a corner, the littlest ones were covering their eyes. The howl came again, much louder so up close.

We collectively took two steps forward and saw a very human Isabelle on her back, pulling her legs into her chest and howling as she pushed one last time and a baby was now being scooped up in a fresh towel by Benny while Randi cut the cord and brought over a small trashcan to plop the after birth in.

We all stood there, mouths hanging open, staring at this new life. The baby screamed tiny baby screams and was quickly places on Isabelle's bare chest. Benny finally glanced back at us and motioned for us to meet him down the hall, away from it all. Davis shook his head firmly.

"Alright, fine." Benny talked while he wiped his hands off with a towel, "Let me hear it."
"Are you fucking clinically insane?" Davis whispered in a hurried tone, a finger planted forcibly against Benny's chest.
"Now wait a minute. This is amazing! A new life! A new generation. Not a stillbirth or monster, but an infant." Benny's voice was steady and glowy. Like a new father.
"That screams and needs diapers and shouldn't be in climates that compare to the surface of the sun! What if that thing dies of SIDS and comes back as a ghoul? How will you handle that? How will your wives handle that? Your kids? For fucks sake, Ben. You never even told us. No warning, nothing." Davis ran a hand through his hair and took a long gaze at his feet.
"It's a risk we are willing to take. We lost so much in the early days, we have to replenish."
Davis cut him off, "Ben, don't give me that holistic bullshit, okay? You're not the only family dependant on those gates and these apartments. Got it? And if you want to pull 'We were here first' bullshits let me remind you who saved your ass two years ago and who mended the fences and set up a perimeter. Got it? Fuck this. My family will not be allowed in these walls, around that thing until it can walk and talk." Davis poked Benny one more time in the chest and pushed past us down the stairs. He headed towards the guard perch in the center building.

That left us.

Mouths still open.

Watching.

"Want to meet baby Imogen?" Isabelle asked us, now moved to a fresh mattress. That's when I realized they had covered her other mattress with a tarp. Benny and Randi were carefully taking the tarp out to wash it off in the rain. I hoped the human scent would be long deluded before the rain stops.
Charlie was the first to take a peek at the baby. The tiny baby couldn't have weighed more than seven pounds. Isabelle looked exhausted and pale. I wondered if she'd make it past tomorrow. I hung back. The entire situation mortified me.

Davis was right.

This was a terrible idea.

I know its not plausible for us to stay out of the 301 but I am definitely keeping my distance.

Coffee & Voo Doo

I made coffee today. I found coffee filters and these guys were smart enough to have rain barrels for water. Britta pitchers and water purification kits.
I heated the water over warm coals and used the coffee maker to slowly pour the water over the grounds. It is amazing. I'm even drinking it cold. The apartment smelled like coffee. Like home.

Elliott and Charlie are smitten by me. Maybe not romantically but they are loving that someone new, female, and not "old" (their words) is in the group. They came over today when they saw me on the balcony making coffee.
They are twins, both turn twenty this month and talk a lot.

Davis and his family were hardcore about an impending apocalypse. If you ask him, this is China's fault. They found the Benny family here and secured the area. There use to be another family here and the Benny's use to have a few more kids. I guess Avery also isn't their biological child either, but one they adopted after the parent died from the infected.

Elliott and Charlie were in school when the infection hit. Somewhere in Texas. According to Elliott, she got to beat her [infected] teacher with a desk and it was liberating. Charlie rescued a couple girls from her cheerleading squad and managed to get home safely where their parents were waiting for them. Davis had a bug out bag and they had an escape route. They have a boat in Florida. A fancy sail boat that has supplies in it already.

"I doubt its even there anymore." Elliott lamented, staring down into her coffee.
"We ended up staying here because Daddy saw the flaw in a boat escape. It's still our backup plan though for when the shit hits the fan here." Charlie said. She's got quite a bit of sass.

Her cheerleader friends either died trying to find their parents or died while they were scavenging the grocery store. "Dumb bitches." Elliot smirked. Elliott explained how all four cheerleaders had died by 'dumbass mistakes on their part'.

"We burned them in the pool and I have a couple of their skulls. It makes me feel batshit crazy, but I've painted them. Like Day of the Dead. That voo doo stuff, ya know? I even light incense and say a prayer for them. I'd want the same done for me." Charlie said, defending herself.

If this wasn't the apocalypse I would think these girls were severely demented.... With all things considered though, I'd say they are handling it all swimmingly.

They stuck around for my calisthenics and then showed me the apartment gym and a boxing gym they found in one of the storage units that line the complex.
We heard bells and found a zombie tangled in the barbed wire that had been added to the gaps between the gate and the ground. We walked over just in time to see Randi shoot an arrow into the infected's skull.

"Another one bites the dust. Cha-Cha." Sang Charlie as shook her hips with her arms raised above her head. "C'Mon, let's go help her drag that fucker to the pool."

I guess I could get use to living here after all.

Freedom

I think the herd is finally passed. It was strange to have so much silence between the largest group of breathers I've come across in years.

I warned them all about the stragglers. With a herd that large there are bound to be a dozen or so that broke off and are now left behind.

I quietly came back to the apartment, I couldn't sleep in that stuffy attic. We were up there for well over 12hrs. I had to make sure the zombies were out of ear shot a couldn't smell us disperse to our own dwellings.

I'm so tired.

I told them I may skip lunch today. Sleep, I need sleep.

Tomorrow, we hunt.

Lunch

I went.

I went to lunch.

It was....

interesting.


I took note of my appearance. My hair had grown out and was ratty. My clothes hadn't been washed in weeks. My shoes ragged. I looked homeless. My face was smeared with dirt. Lets not even talk about my nether regions...

I'm glad I didn't step closer when I met them earlier. They probably smelled me anyway. Whew.

By some miracle the water pump still worked here but was frigid cold. The cold would have almost bothered me if it wasn't sweltering hot outside. I took my cold shower and walked around the apartment naked. The place was pretty nice. Large leather couch to go with a large flat screen tv. What a brilliantly expensive paperweight. I chuckled to myself as I went into the master bedroom. Male and female clothes were strewn around. Whoever lived here either packed light or had way too much to begin with. The place was spotless, if they died it wasn't within these walls. I put on some leggings and a simple shirt. The clothes didn't fit me perfectly, but at least I wasn't a shambly corpse anymore.

I looked turned around to see the perfectly made bed. I ran my fingers along the edge of the mattress and imagined the couple intertwined, rolling around together. There were a small army of ties in the closet and a few abandoned suits. A straight laced type. Most of the walls were bare. This was either a temporary home or they had just moved in. There is unpacked boxes neatly places around edges of rooms. There wasn't any power on but the apartment was surprisingly tolerable with windows open. I had been sleeping on the floor in the living room and hadn't been in the rest of the place other than to secure it.

On the way over to the Benny people I walked through the courtyard and noticed they had used the drained pool as a burn pit. Clever.

"Welcome!" Benny greeted me at the door. Ten people were scattered around the living room and kitchen. The kids were playing cards in between scoops of something in a bowl. I gave a weak wave. "This is... uhhh, I'm sorry, I don't think we got your name."

I contemplated using my real name or just initial or -- "Beth. My name is Beth." I gave a long exhale, I hadn't realized I had been holding it for so long. So very long.

The entire room did various "Hi Beth"s and I some didn't even look up at me. In addition to the Benny family there were two teenagers and two adults. Three women and a male. They each had handguns strapped to their thighs and hunting knives to their calves. It was very tomb raider. Khaki shorts and all. I couldn't help but notice random skulls artfully placed around like trophies.

"I hope you like beans and pasta." Isabelle said, approaching me with a bowl and spoon. I took the bowl and utensil and took a seat on the floor. I looked down into the bowl: Spinach, maybe Navy beans and elbow noodles. I think there were chunks of tomatoes floating in the bean juice. It looked like a thanksgiving meal. I could smell the goals cooling off on the balcony. They also had all of their windows and doors open. "I made enough for seconds, everybody."

I  hesitated before digging in. Everyone else was eating theirs and quietly talking amongst themselves. The air was thick with negativity and anxiety. I could choke on it. "Look-- maybe I should go." I put my spoon back into the bowl and stood up.

"No, no, no. Now calm down. It's okay. Everybody relax." Benny moderated.

"Why should we relax, Ben? Tell me, how is this procedure, Ben?" The other man asked rather sternly.

"Dad, stop." One of the teenage girls chided.

"Listen. I'm sorry I'm invading whatever you guys have going here. I can leave within the hour." I felt the room relax instantly. "And you can keep your stash. I've done okay so far, I can do it again. I'm not anchored here. You guys are. I've traveled more than a thousand miles on my own, whats a few more?" As I turn towards the door I smell the stench. "Their coming." I say just above a whisper.

"What?" Randi asks, getting to her feet.

"I can smell them. It's got to be a herd." I say, taking it upon myself to close their windows and doors. "Do you guys have an escape route? Panic plan? Anything?"

"The attic. We should go to the attic." Benny said, gathering the children, even the tomb raider family followed their lead. There was a poorly ripped up hole in the ceiling that they put a ladder up to. We all crawled up single file until we were on the second level. The second level just had beds and bedding strewn around with piles of books. Obviously down stairs was the living area while up here was where all the slumber happened. It looked like the sister wives and children all slept with Benny in the living room area turned into a large bedroom. In the master bedroom we single file crawled up a folding ladder that was already pulled down in the empty closet. Randi and Isabelle closed the doors and windows as we all filed up into the attic. The smallest child was whimpering. The attic was big enough for maybe twenty people comfortably but wasn't tall enough for anyone but the children to stand completely upright. I notice an easy months worth of canned goods and yoga mats and pillows for sleeping for a dozen people.

Benny walked bent over to the window facing the road and moved peered out towards the main road. "Which way do you think they're coming from, Beth?"

"From behind us, it felt like." I felt silly saying my words out loud. I sound so much more sure of myself in my head.

"Behind us? Please." The tomb raider dad scoffed. "There is nothing behind us but houses that we've cleared ages ago."

"Haven't you guys ever seen a herd before?" I asked, astonished. In two years there is no way that they have escaped this phenomenon.

"Well, duh, lady." The Dad said, rolling his eyes. Well, it was dark, I assume he rolled his eyes.

We waited in complete silence for twenty minutes before the moans started. It was like an ambulance siren. You hear it before you see it. As the moans got exceptionally louder Benny peered out of the window again, but this time only his eyes peered over. By the look on his face there must have been a rather good sized herd. I rubbed the hilt of my knife nervously. Randi and Isabelle had rocked the kids and themselves to sleep and were quietly snoring in a clump.

Sister wives

I've made a break through. I woke up today and just listened. I could hear children playing. I followed the sound and came across actual children. Playing.
Soccer.

Within the gates of the apartment.

Soccer.

It was almost normal. Soccer. I kept my distance but I watched their happy little faces as they kicked the ball back and forth. I waited for them to scream as I approached but the older one simply called out, "She's here!" And they playfully scampered inside the bottom level apartment. No fear, just simple procedure. A women came out and kept her weapon visible but passive. She smiled at me and told me their names.

Their real names.
Isabelle.
Camron.
Zachary.
Little Avery.

Her husband Benny would be out to greet me shortly.

I kept blinking thinking her expression would fade into grubby, groaning, expressionless grayness. Her smile never wavered. I stammered out that I mean no harm to her or her family. She nodded approval as her husband emerged from the second level apartment, weapon in hand but without aggression.

"Welcome," he says. "We have pretty much secured the area. We've been here since the beginning. The garages have a lot of stable goods we have... Uhh... Acquired... From the surrounding areas. We can give you one garage, free and clear."

I watched him carefully as his mouth formed his words. I watched his wife waiting for a hint of apprehension. I spotted none. Entirely too clean. Something doesn't add up. I don't trust them and if they're really as smart as they say they are they wouldn't trust me either.

"To be honest," he clears his throat, "we need help clearing the neighborhoods and extra hands are always welcome."

Just then another woman emerged from the second level. She was obviously trying to tidy herself. I pursed my lips together in a smirk. I see what he's doing.

"That's Randi. She lives with us too." He said tightly.

I started glancing around their side of the complex.

"There are four more. They are in the apartment next door. They don't much like new people. I guess I'm the spokesman of the group."  He glanced at Randi who had now joined Isabella. Their comfort together just made me queasy. But who am I to judge? It's the end of the world, for fucks sake.

"We try to socialize once a day around noon. Even if its just to check in, get a meal and crawl back into our holes. It's still nice to know you got people, ya know?" He squinted at me, or maybe against the sun, it was a close call. Their apartment was closest to the main road and the main gate exit. Good place to keep an eye on things I guess.

"We've kept our space for a month now but we do have to make sure our people our safe. Okay? So.. uhh.. any day at noon you feel up for it come over so we know we can trust you. K? We all just want to feel safe. Fair?"

I nod. I give a thumbs up. I throw in a wave and double back to my claimed dwelling. Noon, eh? Food sounds so normal. Wait.. a month? I've been here a month???

A fucking month.

What day is it?

It's a roar in my head.

I'm cracking. I can't trust myself to go outside. Outside is death. Filled with death. Death walking. Death roaming.

I hear things. I see things. I swear there is someone in the apartment with me. I hear the cries of death in the echoes of existence. Just because I breathe I can witness life that once was.

No. No. No.

I'm crazy. I'm writing this trying to regain the clarity I once had. My bubble exploded and melted everything I thought I knew like lava.

I can't trust faces. I don't want to kill a breather. Not by mistake, anyway. It would truly break me to kill the friendly neighbors. I'm questioning if they aren't a figment of my imagination to begin with. I've taken to writing on the walls in a room I don't sleep it. I leave thoughts there. I close the door and go back to this echo of reality.

I woke up on the floor, curled up in the fetal position, wondering what day it is. I use to obsess over the Monday through Sunday. I'd pick a favorite day and celebrate with a piece of chocolate or a small glass of wine. It kept me balanced. I've lost the balance. I've started murmuring to myself like that weirdo at the bus stop three lifetimes away.

I need to reconnect with life. I've become a zombie by omission.

Down South

Didn't I say I was going north?

I lied.

Well, I didn't mean to. I mean-- I never I intended to.

It's been years-- right?

I have been carrying around this phone like a good luck charm. It died long ago. I managed to find a solar charger thing. The sun is plentiful here.

I keep getting glimpses from my past. The facts and fiction have blurred so heavily I don't know what is fantasy and real memory. I'm afraid I have lost myself. I just ran. I remember falling in love and then blood... Nothing but blood.

That's past me now. Past. Past.

How did I get here? Bike. Motorcycle. Little Geo looking car. Yes, many ways. Many ways.

I traveled over a thousand miles. I traveled super light and then found a fully stocked hummer. That helped me feel safe the nights I had to sleep parked on the road. It's nerve wracking to sleep under the stars at ground level with faint moans and grunts in the distance.

I got turned around somewhere... Took a wrong highway. I started seeing signs for New Orleans and knew to avoid such a large city but I kept finding the gravitational pull so strong. There is a voice in my head. It won't stop.

I've found a gated apartment complex. It's abandoned for the most part. There is another family trapt here. They don't trust me. That's fine. I don't trust them. I set up on the opposite side of the complex. It's a small complex. Direct doors and cheeky residentials behind it.

We still talk. The neighbors and I. They left a random can of beans and a note: "Plenty of room for all of us. Plenty of resources. No need to fight. Welcome."

I was confused because all I had done was avoid them, but I guess others have passed through wanting anything that wasn't theirs. I took the beans and ate graciously. I had found MREs in the hummer and had stretched them as far as possible but the supply was mighty slim. I had taken to looting gas stations because they were easy for one person and if I avoided the bathrooms and the coolers I sometimes wouldn't even come across a dormant corpse ready to pounce. The hummer saved me. Obviously he was on his way to New Orleans, or from New Orleans?

Like I said, I took a wrong highway somewhere. I have no idea how I ended up here. It's sweltering heat and it rains buckets. The stairs are concrete leading up to my level (of course I will take the second level) so I have to figure that out. I've tied it off about six steps up but that isn't good enough. Zombies can pile up and break the ties too easily or even flip over it. I'm going to have to see what the neighbors have done. I came in on the side they are not on and after cleaning out my area I haven't ventured out much.

The stench here isn't bad or maybe I'm numb to it. This is just a place. Solo is secure. No friends. No allys. Solo is secure. Solo is secure.

Solo is secure.

Thursday

I have had neighbors for a month now. Kore and Knox still sleep across the street but sometimes they sit on my balcony with me and we shoot arrows at the shambling idiots as they pass by. I'm starting to forget what it was like to be so sad. My emotions are getting twisted into theirs. Kore and I have already kissed. It was like heaven.... but I've walked in on her and Knox having sex. (More times than one) So I am refraining from killing him in his sleep while she smiles at me sweetly while he embraces her.

We are three people left in this world and I should be hurt that Kore is basically the only woman we can pass back and forth and be completely okay with it. Knox and I have even had a conversation about it. Kore sometimes slips up and calls him by my name while they have sex. I'm unsure of why he told me. I'm unsure of how I feel about it. Knox shook my hand and like society still existed promised me that he didn't care, he just wanted to get off. Sex helps people keep their head clear, he said. The first time they had sex was the first night they spent on my street. When I had escaped out of the shadow of night and hyperventilated about how much I wished to just embrace Kore, he was fucking her at full advantage of her broken state. Even at the demise of society I am still getting passed up for a heartless prick that just wants to evacuate his juices on an unsuspecting female. It's difficult to be sad about a subject that seems so passe in comparison to everyone I've ever known being dead and trying to consume each other.

It does get to me.

I took a trip. I traveled. It had been many months since I have spread my wings farther than my 10 block radius. I left without a word. I came back to my house untouched but the routine continued as if I never left as far as clean up went. I had to clear my head. I had to get her sweet smell from my nostrils. I was angry when I came back and nothing had seemed to change. The only difference was Kore ran up to me and hugged me and kissed my neck. She whispered how much she had missed me but I could still smell him on her. His nasty musk from not cleaning himself like he should. The infection he is probably spreading within her flesh. It made me disgusted. The first woman I see in over a year and she's allowing herself to be used by a surface desire rather than a deeper passion just waiting to be unleashed. I sometimes fantasize about killing them both and bathing in their blood. I have so much rage within me it's hard to contain it sometimes. Luckily I have an abundance of zombies to take my aggression out on. There is never enough cleaning to be done. To hear the crush of their bones as I make them no longer a threat.

"You know, if all three of us wanted a night together, I'd be okay with that." He said.
"I'm not in love with him, we're just going through something together" She says.
"Hey look over there... that zombie looks like a rotting, disfigured Zach Galifianakis." I say.

Monday

What can you do for strangers?

"You're a girl." was all the dude said when I removed my headgear.
"And you've got a penis." I replied. "Now, are we done with the sex ed or do you need further proof?"
"I'm just... I didn't know... I mean... with all that stuff on you... and your hair." He motioned towards my face.
"There are fucking dead idiots shambling around outside and are you really upset about genderbending?" Instantly, I'm not pleased.

"Both of you. Shut the fuck up." She spoke with such distraught, detached anger we both instantly looked at the floor and away from each other.

"What should I call you guys?" I ask, attempting to break the awkward silence. "You can call me E."
"Well, E, this is Kore and I'm Knox." The man instructed.
My eyebrow raised, "Kore? As in Queen of the Underworld?"
The girl, called Kore, looked up to me, "You read?"
"I've got plenty of time." I felt my face form into a smile and instantly I forced my lips back into a scowl. "So yeah, there is food, a wash basin in the other room and we should be safe here for a few days"

And we were. We were safe. For a couple days. Then it became too much. The smell, the craziness, my uncomfortable disposition of where I was. I couldn't take it. I told them to stay in that attic and I would take a peek and see if it was safe to stretch our legs. If it's just me, I have enough hidden nooks around the neighborhood that they wouldn't have to worry a bout me. I got this.

I'm freaking the fuck out. They knew each other for only a couple days. Knox met up with the trio somewhere in Kentucky. Knox is called Knox because it's short for Knoxville, the city in Tennessee he is from. I've never been there-- but from what he says I never want to now. Both groups were going east to the coast. They heard there were a fleet of abandoned boats here just up for the grabbing. From there they could take those boats to an island somewhere and be safe. Somehow they ended up in North Carolina and in my town. In my neighborhood. On my street. I'm four hours from the coast. My parents are residents in the coast. I promised myself I would never go east, only north. It's colder up north and I could only imagine how sluggish it would make the shambling idiots and how much easier my life would be. But that would mean uprooting, being a nomad... something I'm not ready for... a year after everything has settled into the way it's just going to be.

"I don't want to know your stories." I said. I got it. Big Man and Brother were related to Kore. Knox had a pregnant wife with him when this started. A pregnant wife and two other, younger, children. His pregnant wife had brought along her brother. As a group Knox tried to get them to the east, to these imaginary boats. No one knew that his wife's brother was sick with Infection. It took a full week of travel before Knox realized that his brother in law was infected. When he tried to abandon his brother-in-law his wife became angry and they had a fight. Long story short, the wife chose to stay with the brother-in-law and Knox abandoned his entire family on the curb. Knox feels guilt and anger over the situation. The story spilled out of him like a busted water balloon. I couldn't shut him up fast enough. Kore zoned in and out during the story. Obviously she had heard it a few times.

Later, Kore thanked me when he wasn't around. "I've heard that story countless times. You'd think he'd be sick of hearing it. I think he has decided it's a daydream and not real, so the more he vocalizes it the more it is legit and not pretend. He's trying to get a grasp of him abandoning his small children.... I think he didn't mind leaving his chick behind so much." She shrugged and pushed her hair behind her ear. "Thank you, by the way. About... uhrm... earlier? That thing that happened? You saved us."

I remember taking a huge gulp. She said it. She said I saved them. There is no saving in this situation, only prolonging. I told her just as I told you just now...

thank me when it's over, for right now it's just begun.

Sunday

If my calendar is correct my mom's birthday is coming up in a week. I don't know what to think about it. I mean... it's not like I can call her or anything. I have no idea if she's alive or not. I have a pretty good idea that she isn't but I'd rather keep my hopes low instead of having them shot down later.

I did a scavenge mission last week. It took me four days and I was drenched from head to toe. I love it when it rains, they seem to sidetracked by the smell of nature to really notice me. Visibility is always an issue but that's why it took so long. I had to find a safe house and make sure I had plenty of weapons. Downtown is so dense with the dead I'm paranoid I will lead them back to my house on the trip back. I always take a super long way and take my time. I don't even know why I went, really. I don't need anything. Maybe just a change of scenery? See if any nomads have gotten stranded and need some rescuing? O, if only.

Instead I got some coffee and other needless things that I probably could've done without. I found some new clothes that will work out nicely and... I saw another one. One that I knew once. It was Rosie from work, she was still in her maids uniform. She was milling around with the other couple dozen in the streets as I pass them she almost seemed to nod her head at me as a greeting, just as she always did. Any time I see one I recognize I kill them for fear that they will remember where I live and come find me... and usually it keeps the nightmares at bay. If I kill it in real life that's my only memory I can replay, if I allow the thing that looks like someone I once knew to continue to shamble around, well, they might find me... and crawl into my bed while I rest...

I don't want to think about that right now. The shift in weather has caused the shambling idiots to slow their pace and notice me less. I think they're distracted by the cool air and constant bustling of dried leaves. I am still doing my daily rounds and killing as many as I can without being worried about my own safety. The coffee gives me a false sense of energy but I'm mentally so expendable it's making me sick to my stomach. I've taken to talking to the zombies before I kill them. I check their pockets and create stories in my head on how they got such a miserable end. Then I think about what I said earlier... about being catatonic? What if I'm putting these souls to rest, for real... am I helping?

What if there is a cure and I'm just killing these suckers off? Is there police or military anymore? Will I be reckoned with once they realize the scorch marks and brittle bones on corner of the road is the only thing left of hundreds of bodies I put out of mobility? Will I care if I am jailed? You could say I'm already a caged bird... too big for the cage... pecking endlessly for rescue but to no avail.

I guess I'll never know.

Monday

I use to be so fragile... so weak.


On the first day of this mess I was at work, a fancy hotel downtown. I was a nobody... unless, of course, you needed your room cleaned or more towels. The only white girl amongst middle aged Latino women. Their ethnicity only matters because of the language barrier. We talked work only because anything else was a chore. I think some of them cared enough but after awhile gave up. I kept to myself and did my job right. They respected me and made working there worth-while but I still felt unnoticed. I was a ghost before the shit hit the fan. In hindsight I saw red flags of the apocalypse hitting, weeks before I saw my first zombie. I listened to an abundance of NPR and the stories all seemed to be talking about the same thing: Infection.


That's all they called it-- Infection. No fancy name or even a true explanation of how the Infected became exposed to Infection. Infection started popping up in Middle America the same way Mad Cow Disease made everyone more paranoid but not any more careful. The only thing I could gather about Infection was that you could catch it at the hospital... and everyone could get it. From ICU to itty-bitty babies. Anyone with Infection had 3 weeks, then eventually 2 weeks, then just days. Because of the slow transition the dead ended up being buried at first, before the second symptom of Infection became realized. No press release was ever made about the second symptom, reanimation, until much later... when it was too late.


The first red flag of the coming apocalypse, I now realize, was the people flooding into town because a loved one was transported to our hospitals, "No reports of Infection have been from your hospital, so we drove Billy here to be treated" they'd say. The hotel was at 100% and overbooked for two solid months. Everyone was crazy. People quit and were begged to at least finish out their two weeks. That's when it got ugly... with the hotel full we had over 1,100 guests and over 250 employees in the building at all times. We had people camping out in the hallways and our restaurant was out of orange juice and hot tea every two days. The sick were spilling into our hotel because the hospitals had no room. The CDC was called and we began washing the hotel linens three times total and with some extra strength anti-bacterial products given to us by the CDC. At some point the Governor shut off our water for a few days because it was feared that it been contaminated by a dead Infected that was caught floating in a lake, fifty miles upstream from our city water supply.


I saw my first zombie while still on the clock, on the 11th floor of the hotel. A smell had developed in the guest quarters of the hotel. It was a mix of dried flowers and Clorox. No one seemed to notice it but me. The smell made me dizzy and nauseous. I had taken to wearing my chemical face mask as soon as I entered the building and wouldn't remove it until I was in my car at the end of the day. I was doing my normal rounds, three sets of three loud knocks before entering a room and loudly announcing myself as I enter a room. It's protocol. It's what saved my life.


Three firm knocks, no answer.
Three heavier knocks, no answer.
Three very prominent knocks, no answer.


The silence acquiesced my way into the room. I slid my digital skeleton key into the slot. Two blinks yellow, one blink green. I opened the door, my heart thumping and my breathing loud due to the mask. The smell of death hit me hard and my eyes began to water. I took a step back and pressed my spine against the entry door. I had heard rumors of the morning staff entering a room to find a corpse awaiting them. Was it my turn? I heard a gurgling noise coming from the bathroom, "Fresh linens!" I said to the gurgling noise "Fresh Linens!" I said again, a little louder to the half opened bathroom door. My back firmly against the door and my hand resting on the door knob. The bathroom door slowly swung open to reveal a bloody torso that resembled a hunk of meat. I blinked until I forced myself to acknowledge what I was seeing was real.


A small girl, about the age of seven or eight. looked up at me with one bloody hand pulling the door back to see me. Nothing happened, we just stared at each other. I was petrified and motionless. She looked past me and I questioned if I were actually a ghost all these years after all. A gasp escaped my lips, muffled from the paper mask across my face. The little girl suddenly grew very interested in me. The same gurgling noise I had heard earlier now leaking out of this tiny framed girl, the iris of each eye submerged in a milky haze. As she got to her feet blood oozed out of her sagging, open mouth. I quickly opened the door and let myself out. I was on the opposite side of the door pressing my back against it once more. I slumped over and slid to my knees, letting the panic attack flood over me. Even over my labored breathing amplified by the mask I could hear little fingernails pawing at the door and her little body limply pressing against it. I got to my feet and searched for my bag I always hid in my laundry cart. I unearthed my keys and quickly walked to the service elevators. I abandoned my cart, pressing it against the door and putting a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the knob. I could still hear the little girl flinging her body against the door and that god-awful gurgling noise as the elevator doors closed. I gripped my keys like a knife. O yeah, that's right. I dug out the pocket knife I had in my bag and opened it at the ready.


The elevator doors opened to reveal Tim, the bell hop, one hand resting on an empty luggage cart. It only took a couple seconds for the bell hop to realize I had a six inch blade pointed in his direction.
"Whoa, Pretty lady! Put that thing away!" He waved his hands in front of him in peace.
"I'm leaving and you should do the same." Was all I said as I pushed passed him.


I didn't even make it out of the parking garage before my cellphone started ringing. I answered, it was my boss explaining that although carrying a knife at work is against policy they would gladly do whatever it takes to get me to finish my shift, in the very least.
"Go home. Go home to your family and barricade yourself inside. Do it now before it's too late.... O, and call the cops, there has been a murder in room 1157." Click.



I never did find out what happened to that little girl.

Tuesday

I killed another one. One that looked like someone I once knew. She walked into my yard while I was tying a bicycle to my fence (that's on my balcony). She stumbled in, her hair all matted up and she was missing an arm. Her hair looked the color of mud but once previously shown a bright red. I sighed and unsheathed my machete with a big sigh and jumped from the balcony. I landed on my feet, legs bent. She looked at me, confused, distant... like she might have known me once. I walked over, one hand gripping the machete and used my entire upper body to bring the machete down across her neck. Her body fell limp and the head of a girl I once desired rolled across my lawn. I sighed and went over to the head, it still wobbling and the mouth still moving. "Glad I never loved you." I huffed, as I gripped the thing by it's hair and tossed it in a pile I will be burning later this week. I drug her body across my lawn, her tight jeans now ripped and dirty. With each blink I remembered how I use to know her.

I've given a final death to ones I've missed much more. Once I piled her body on top of the mound of rotting flesh, I spat on her twice dead body for good measure. "Rest in hell." I said aloud, wrinkling my whole face in disgust. My voice seems weird these days.. to hear it aloud, I mean. It feels distant, like a friend I once knew. I took a deep breath and looked around. My world is in shambles, the whole idea of serenity is a joke. My road is less full of deceased. I haven't seen a nomad in weeks. I'm starting to think if I'm the only one on this big blue and green.

I haven't been writing a lot... I know. I actually lost power for two days and thought it'd never return... but it flickered on yesterday. I didn't even notice, I about shit myself when my fan started up. It's low hum sounded like a helicopter. My heart jumped just to plummet. Then I realized I could have the internet, once more... just maybe. I checked... still no news updates ANYWHERE... all of my old websites and a few new ones I've joined "after" still hold no new clue to what the outside world is up to. Just death... just death and decaying, walking, shambling idiots.

I caught myself brushing my teeth for a fourth time yesterday. I was making my gums bleed. There is something about knowing I might never see a dentist again that is really disturbing me. I can't shake it. I've accepted never seeing my mother... but not the dentist? This is when I realize I have serious problems. I'm the cleanest human being on the planet and I have a problem with brushing my teeth too much.

There, I said it.

Wednesday.

Rules. I have rules.

1. Don't trust strangers
2. Cardio, cardio, cardio.
3. Don't tell anyone about supplies you have.
4. No one is allowed in this house but me.
5. If someone gets bitten in front of me, kill them without question.
6. I don't care if it's your 5yr old daughter, she's one of them now.
7. Never get too distracted with anything. Keep an ear out, constantly.
8. Never use a gun unless its absolutely necessary.
9. Don't fear the zombies, fear nomads. (Traveling still-have-a-pulse-people who travel for survival)
10. Keep a sharp knife close at all times.
11. Carelessness is what kills you.
12. Stay quiet at all times. Loud noises attracts very unwanted attention.
13. Never get under the influence of anything. See #11 and #7
14. Your family is dead, get over it.
15. Burn the remains.
16. Wear something covering every inch of skin when outside. Your pores absorb blood, the blood carries the virus.
17. It's better to run and live, than kill and put yourself at risk.
18. Being alone and alive is better than being one of them and dead.
19. Help isn't coming. You are your own help.
20. Have a hobby, it helps you keep your sanity.
21. You are never safe.
22. There is no such thing as "comfortable" anymore.
23. It's not stealing, it's scavenging.
24. It's not killing, it's surviving.
25. Take multivitamins every day.
26. Remove the head at the jaw line. If the jaw is separated it can't bite you anymore.