Dumb Libido

Is this what being hung over feels like?

It feels like it's been years since I've had this pang between my ears and the nausea built up inside. It's so bright outside.

I woke up next to Buffy this morning.

Yes, like the vampire slayer. She said she always loved the show and renamed herself almost instantly once everything went to shit. She met up with Jeremy and the others after a few months on the run. Jeremy is smitten with her but is involved with Krista. Krista is also involved with Oliver and John, from what I gather.

I'm warming up a few coals to boil water to make coffee. Buffy is still passed out inside. What the fuck is wrong with me? These people have been here for three days and I'm shacking up with one?

Well, I don't think we did anything too much last night. Not that I remember anyway. It's all a blur really. A big, big, blur. I can't trust this girl, she may have planned something awful for the rest. Maybe she was just slowing me down so her friends could get to the others?

Fuck.

I can't believe I let my dumb libido get in the way... again.

Fuck.

New Comers

A bullet whizzed through the apartment and embedded its self in the wall in the hallway.

What. The. Fuck.

I'm so lucky that I was doing my crunches in the living room when it happened. I heard the pop and only knew where it ended up when the picture in hallway hit the floor. Glass everywhere. Up until that point I didn't even realize there was a picture in the hall. I crawled over to the picture, a loving couple and a baby. A family photo. I grabbed my weapons and left the apartment. I went around the corner of the building and could hear the yelling on the far side of the complex, near the 301. Shit.

I noticed the twins crouched behind a building on the inside of the courtyard. I join them and ask what's going on.

"New comer. Benny saw them and the dude shot at him. Lucky for Benny the dude is a shitty shot." Elliott said with big eyes.

"Yeah, well, it could've been me. The bullet is in the wall of the hallway." I replied.

We turned to listen more as Davis went to the gate. Luckily the new guy hadn't breached the gate. The men were discussing what the protocol of the new guy crossing the gate should be. I gripped my knife and cleared my throat. I got this.

I came across the parking lot and cuffed the knife against my arm. I approached the men and took note of the packed truck in the road behind the guy. I saw movement. He's not alone. I tab the shoulders of Benny and Davis to stop the arguing. I pull them a couple feet back after giving the "One moment." motion with my hand to the guy on the other side of the gate. We move far enough away from the guy so he can't hear us whisper.

"Look, we're mind fucking him right now. He shot at you and he is obviously looking for some form of comfort. We all have locks on our doors and we have walkies between us in case shit hits the fan with this guy. I say we let him in--"

Davis cuts me off, "But what if he jumps us as soon as we let him in?"

"Look-- that gun shot let some shamblers know we are here. Either we let him in and set him up at least temporarily or risk him trying to set up somewhere else and leading the fuckers even close to us, but en masse." I made sure to make eye contact with both men to gauge their reactions. They weren't opposed. "First, we assess their group and make them strip. We have to make sure they aren't bit. They should at least appreciate that. Once they are okay we make them leave the vehicle on the outside and allow them within the gate. What house would be better for everyone, Davis?" It's strange how they just let me take control. It must be my time on the outside.

"Uhhh, probably building seven. It's on the corner in between us all. Benny can see them from his place and you're on the backside so if they are trying to do anything funny out of sight you are more likely to catch it." Davis said, gripping his shovel.

"Hey, fellas. I don't like being so out in the open here. We deciding something?" The guy called, carefully, while glancing around.

"Right. We don't tell them where we are held up. Tonight we eat picnic style outside the pool gate at the tables there. We escort them to their apartment, ground level. Keep a copy of the keys. You guys watched me so I trust we can watch them the same. Integration starts once we gain that trust." I nodded to the guy, "You see anything?"

He shook his head no, "Sorry I shot at you, dude. You gotta understand why I'm jumpy."

"Davis, go get the keys to seven. Benny, come with me." Benny and I approached the guy on the outside of the gate. When we got up to him he seemed a lot calmer than before I joined the discussion. "Okay, this is how it's going to go. You're going to get everyone you have with you out and by the gate. Strip to your skivvies and once you're cleared you guys can come in here. We have plenty of space. No more than one melee weapon per person. Leave your firearms in your vehicle until we're sure you aren't here to take us over.  We won't bother them. You can park outside the gate to where you can keep watch to make sure. There is safety in numbers. We don't fuck with you, you don't fuck with us. Got it?"

The guy seemed visibly annoyed but willing. "Sure. Where do I need to park?" I motioned to the 'Exit Only' gate. It was the only gate they hadn't completely blocked off with a car. It was a gate we could unlatch a few chains to let people semi-comfortably squeeze through the opening and we could easily re-secure it. Easy, but time consuming.

When it was just me, I had jumped the fence and broke into my apartment through an unlocked window. I knew the chances of finding an unlocked window was better on a second level.

The guy re-parked outside the gate and showed up with with five others. He had been driving a diesel full sized truck so that many people wasn't so far fetched. Four men and two women, counting him. They each had large bags with them. Nothing too big though, everyone traveled very similar these days. Even the Benny's each had a duffel they would grab to go if need be. Without a word they all undressed, Benny and I had our quiet distance weapons at the ready in protective stance. The guy was so nervous I promised we'd watch their backs since they promised to do our song and dance to get in here. The sun was starting it's slow slink behind the horizon. I wanted them inside before true dusk. The group as a whole looked very underfed. Their lips parched with dehydration. No wonder the guy seemed so desperate for us to help. I could hear the twins, their mom and Randi setting up dinner in the courtyard. We all wanted to be in our homes before the curfew we had set up for each other. Even though we have been broken, now that there are new people our unit has become one again. Us against them. Maybe this is what we all needed. Fresh blood.

Davis rejoined us with keys and started un-threading the chains. The first guy undressed and passed inspection first. Davis checked their bags on the way in to make sure they weren't carrying. The whole process took maybe fifteen minutes but felt like hours. They grouped up behind Benny and I as they shuffled in. Just as the last person crossed the gate we noticed four shamblers coming down the road. Benny and I nodded to each other silently and climbed the car that had been rolled on it's side and jumped the fence. Davis hurriedly re-threaded the chains as Benny and I approached the zombies. We separated and coaxed two a piece in opposite directions.

I had dropped my distance weapon within the gate and was now holding my two go-to melee weapons: a miners shovel strapped to my back and a machete in my hand. Benny had an aluminum baseball bat and his large hunting knife. I had my knife on my thigh strap but that's too close for comfort for me to melee with. I teased my two with the machete and kept my distance. I saw my chance and kicked the kid shambler in the chest, landing him on his back. I then ran circles around the other shambler disorienting it and kicked it over as well. As it lay face down I put a foot in the middle of it's back and brought the machete down taking off the head. I glance up at the kid zombie who had now gotten back to his feet. I glance over to Benny who had also taken down one and was now working on his second. The kid shambler was an easy target. I used the shovel to keep the distance between us and swung my machete around to sever the head.

Benny was wiping off his bat using the shambler's jacket when I came over to him. We shook hands and nodded to each other. We headed back to the gate and used a ladder Davis and the new comers had launched over the side to aide us in getting back over. We climbed the ladder onto the roof of the storage units that line the outside fences and pulled the ladder back up to then get off the roof.

"Let's eat and then we'll show you to your temporary home, eh?" Benny said, propping the ladder on it's side away from the gate.

"You guys have enough food?" One of the women said, putting a hand on her stomach, "For all of us?"

"Yes. We have enough." I said with caution. They don't need to know the wealth of food here just yet.

We got to the rest of the group and they introduced themselves, starting with the dude who came to us first.

Jeremy.
Buffy.
Oliver.
Krista, with a K.
Kroger.
John.

And then there was 18.

Broken

They've added me to patrol. Davis and his family moved into a new apartment to be away from 301.

The twins have started crashing at my place at least once a week. It's a mess. The group is broken. Benny tries to keep watch but he mainly seems to be focusing on his house. I haven't heard the baby cry at all. I don't know if that means it didn't survive or the house is just excellent at hiding noise. They've had their windows closed.its been a hundred degrees. I don't know how they are dealing. I haven't been in there.

Group meals are now a thing of the past. Davis sneaks over to peek in on the Benny family to make sure no one has turned.. for our safety. He often jokes about going in and killing Benny, the sisterwives and the infant. The eldest child is almost a teenager and could be of use and the other two are old enough to adjust.

I told him I'd only kill them off once they join the ranks of the undead. Not before.

I keep waiting for the screams of despair and more death. We are less safe being broken. I realize now how much I need people. Being alone made me go crazy. I survived but to what avail? The twins and I made a pact. If their parents die or their parents and the Benny family start a war within themselves, we are booking it elsewhere.

I just hope the group can recover.

Lunch

I went.

I went to lunch.

It was....

interesting.


I took note of my appearance. My hair had grown out and was ratty. My clothes hadn't been washed in weeks. My shoes ragged. I looked homeless. My face was smeared with dirt. Lets not even talk about my nether regions...

I'm glad I didn't step closer when I met them earlier. They probably smelled me anyway. Whew.

By some miracle the water pump still worked here but was frigid cold. The cold would have almost bothered me if it wasn't sweltering hot outside. I took my cold shower and walked around the apartment naked. The place was pretty nice. Large leather couch to go with a large flat screen tv. What a brilliantly expensive paperweight. I chuckled to myself as I went into the master bedroom. Male and female clothes were strewn around. Whoever lived here either packed light or had way too much to begin with. The place was spotless, if they died it wasn't within these walls. I put on some leggings and a simple shirt. The clothes didn't fit me perfectly, but at least I wasn't a shambly corpse anymore.

I looked turned around to see the perfectly made bed. I ran my fingers along the edge of the mattress and imagined the couple intertwined, rolling around together. There were a small army of ties in the closet and a few abandoned suits. A straight laced type. Most of the walls were bare. This was either a temporary home or they had just moved in. There is unpacked boxes neatly places around edges of rooms. There wasn't any power on but the apartment was surprisingly tolerable with windows open. I had been sleeping on the floor in the living room and hadn't been in the rest of the place other than to secure it.

On the way over to the Benny people I walked through the courtyard and noticed they had used the drained pool as a burn pit. Clever.

"Welcome!" Benny greeted me at the door. Ten people were scattered around the living room and kitchen. The kids were playing cards in between scoops of something in a bowl. I gave a weak wave. "This is... uhhh, I'm sorry, I don't think we got your name."

I contemplated using my real name or just initial or -- "Beth. My name is Beth." I gave a long exhale, I hadn't realized I had been holding it for so long. So very long.

The entire room did various "Hi Beth"s and I some didn't even look up at me. In addition to the Benny family there were two teenagers and two adults. Three women and a male. They each had handguns strapped to their thighs and hunting knives to their calves. It was very tomb raider. Khaki shorts and all. I couldn't help but notice random skulls artfully placed around like trophies.

"I hope you like beans and pasta." Isabelle said, approaching me with a bowl and spoon. I took the bowl and utensil and took a seat on the floor. I looked down into the bowl: Spinach, maybe Navy beans and elbow noodles. I think there were chunks of tomatoes floating in the bean juice. It looked like a thanksgiving meal. I could smell the goals cooling off on the balcony. They also had all of their windows and doors open. "I made enough for seconds, everybody."

I  hesitated before digging in. Everyone else was eating theirs and quietly talking amongst themselves. The air was thick with negativity and anxiety. I could choke on it. "Look-- maybe I should go." I put my spoon back into the bowl and stood up.

"No, no, no. Now calm down. It's okay. Everybody relax." Benny moderated.

"Why should we relax, Ben? Tell me, how is this procedure, Ben?" The other man asked rather sternly.

"Dad, stop." One of the teenage girls chided.

"Listen. I'm sorry I'm invading whatever you guys have going here. I can leave within the hour." I felt the room relax instantly. "And you can keep your stash. I've done okay so far, I can do it again. I'm not anchored here. You guys are. I've traveled more than a thousand miles on my own, whats a few more?" As I turn towards the door I smell the stench. "Their coming." I say just above a whisper.

"What?" Randi asks, getting to her feet.

"I can smell them. It's got to be a herd." I say, taking it upon myself to close their windows and doors. "Do you guys have an escape route? Panic plan? Anything?"

"The attic. We should go to the attic." Benny said, gathering the children, even the tomb raider family followed their lead. There was a poorly ripped up hole in the ceiling that they put a ladder up to. We all crawled up single file until we were on the second level. The second level just had beds and bedding strewn around with piles of books. Obviously down stairs was the living area while up here was where all the slumber happened. It looked like the sister wives and children all slept with Benny in the living room area turned into a large bedroom. In the master bedroom we single file crawled up a folding ladder that was already pulled down in the empty closet. Randi and Isabelle closed the doors and windows as we all filed up into the attic. The smallest child was whimpering. The attic was big enough for maybe twenty people comfortably but wasn't tall enough for anyone but the children to stand completely upright. I notice an easy months worth of canned goods and yoga mats and pillows for sleeping for a dozen people.

Benny walked bent over to the window facing the road and moved peered out towards the main road. "Which way do you think they're coming from, Beth?"

"From behind us, it felt like." I felt silly saying my words out loud. I sound so much more sure of myself in my head.

"Behind us? Please." The tomb raider dad scoffed. "There is nothing behind us but houses that we've cleared ages ago."

"Haven't you guys ever seen a herd before?" I asked, astonished. In two years there is no way that they have escaped this phenomenon.

"Well, duh, lady." The Dad said, rolling his eyes. Well, it was dark, I assume he rolled his eyes.

We waited in complete silence for twenty minutes before the moans started. It was like an ambulance siren. You hear it before you see it. As the moans got exceptionally louder Benny peered out of the window again, but this time only his eyes peered over. By the look on his face there must have been a rather good sized herd. I rubbed the hilt of my knife nervously. Randi and Isabelle had rocked the kids and themselves to sleep and were quietly snoring in a clump.

Sister wives

I've made a break through. I woke up today and just listened. I could hear children playing. I followed the sound and came across actual children. Playing.
Soccer.

Within the gates of the apartment.

Soccer.

It was almost normal. Soccer. I kept my distance but I watched their happy little faces as they kicked the ball back and forth. I waited for them to scream as I approached but the older one simply called out, "She's here!" And they playfully scampered inside the bottom level apartment. No fear, just simple procedure. A women came out and kept her weapon visible but passive. She smiled at me and told me their names.

Their real names.
Isabelle.
Camron.
Zachary.
Little Avery.

Her husband Benny would be out to greet me shortly.

I kept blinking thinking her expression would fade into grubby, groaning, expressionless grayness. Her smile never wavered. I stammered out that I mean no harm to her or her family. She nodded approval as her husband emerged from the second level apartment, weapon in hand but without aggression.

"Welcome," he says. "We have pretty much secured the area. We've been here since the beginning. The garages have a lot of stable goods we have... Uhh... Acquired... From the surrounding areas. We can give you one garage, free and clear."

I watched him carefully as his mouth formed his words. I watched his wife waiting for a hint of apprehension. I spotted none. Entirely too clean. Something doesn't add up. I don't trust them and if they're really as smart as they say they are they wouldn't trust me either.

"To be honest," he clears his throat, "we need help clearing the neighborhoods and extra hands are always welcome."

Just then another woman emerged from the second level. She was obviously trying to tidy herself. I pursed my lips together in a smirk. I see what he's doing.

"That's Randi. She lives with us too." He said tightly.

I started glancing around their side of the complex.

"There are four more. They are in the apartment next door. They don't much like new people. I guess I'm the spokesman of the group."  He glanced at Randi who had now joined Isabella. Their comfort together just made me queasy. But who am I to judge? It's the end of the world, for fucks sake.

"We try to socialize once a day around noon. Even if its just to check in, get a meal and crawl back into our holes. It's still nice to know you got people, ya know?" He squinted at me, or maybe against the sun, it was a close call. Their apartment was closest to the main road and the main gate exit. Good place to keep an eye on things I guess.

"We've kept our space for a month now but we do have to make sure our people our safe. Okay? So.. uhh.. any day at noon you feel up for it come over so we know we can trust you. K? We all just want to feel safe. Fair?"

I nod. I give a thumbs up. I throw in a wave and double back to my claimed dwelling. Noon, eh? Food sounds so normal. Wait.. a month? I've been here a month???

A fucking month.

Tuesday

I killed another one. One that looked like someone I once knew. She walked into my yard while I was tying a bicycle to my fence (that's on my balcony). She stumbled in, her hair all matted up and she was missing an arm. Her hair looked the color of mud but once previously shown a bright red. I sighed and unsheathed my machete with a big sigh and jumped from the balcony. I landed on my feet, legs bent. She looked at me, confused, distant... like she might have known me once. I walked over, one hand gripping the machete and used my entire upper body to bring the machete down across her neck. Her body fell limp and the head of a girl I once desired rolled across my lawn. I sighed and went over to the head, it still wobbling and the mouth still moving. "Glad I never loved you." I huffed, as I gripped the thing by it's hair and tossed it in a pile I will be burning later this week. I drug her body across my lawn, her tight jeans now ripped and dirty. With each blink I remembered how I use to know her.

I've given a final death to ones I've missed much more. Once I piled her body on top of the mound of rotting flesh, I spat on her twice dead body for good measure. "Rest in hell." I said aloud, wrinkling my whole face in disgust. My voice seems weird these days.. to hear it aloud, I mean. It feels distant, like a friend I once knew. I took a deep breath and looked around. My world is in shambles, the whole idea of serenity is a joke. My road is less full of deceased. I haven't seen a nomad in weeks. I'm starting to think if I'm the only one on this big blue and green.

I haven't been writing a lot... I know. I actually lost power for two days and thought it'd never return... but it flickered on yesterday. I didn't even notice, I about shit myself when my fan started up. It's low hum sounded like a helicopter. My heart jumped just to plummet. Then I realized I could have the internet, once more... just maybe. I checked... still no news updates ANYWHERE... all of my old websites and a few new ones I've joined "after" still hold no new clue to what the outside world is up to. Just death... just death and decaying, walking, shambling idiots.

I caught myself brushing my teeth for a fourth time yesterday. I was making my gums bleed. There is something about knowing I might never see a dentist again that is really disturbing me. I can't shake it. I've accepted never seeing my mother... but not the dentist? This is when I realize I have serious problems. I'm the cleanest human being on the planet and I have a problem with brushing my teeth too much.

There, I said it.

Wednesday.

Rules. I have rules.

1. Don't trust strangers
2. Cardio, cardio, cardio.
3. Don't tell anyone about supplies you have.
4. No one is allowed in this house but me.
5. If someone gets bitten in front of me, kill them without question.
6. I don't care if it's your 5yr old daughter, she's one of them now.
7. Never get too distracted with anything. Keep an ear out, constantly.
8. Never use a gun unless its absolutely necessary.
9. Don't fear the zombies, fear nomads. (Traveling still-have-a-pulse-people who travel for survival)
10. Keep a sharp knife close at all times.
11. Carelessness is what kills you.
12. Stay quiet at all times. Loud noises attracts very unwanted attention.
13. Never get under the influence of anything. See #11 and #7
14. Your family is dead, get over it.
15. Burn the remains.
16. Wear something covering every inch of skin when outside. Your pores absorb blood, the blood carries the virus.
17. It's better to run and live, than kill and put yourself at risk.
18. Being alone and alive is better than being one of them and dead.
19. Help isn't coming. You are your own help.
20. Have a hobby, it helps you keep your sanity.
21. You are never safe.
22. There is no such thing as "comfortable" anymore.
23. It's not stealing, it's scavenging.
24. It's not killing, it's surviving.
25. Take multivitamins every day.
26. Remove the head at the jaw line. If the jaw is separated it can't bite you anymore.