Together

I keep telling myself all of this rain is a good thing. I keep telling myself to break out of isolation. I've rebuilt walls that had been removed.

I physically cringe when I see Benny give Lilly any intimate gesture.  Isabelle told me they held a secret wedding ceremony to make it official. They are still less gross than Krista and Davis. Davis is a close friend but making out with Krista in front of the group is inconsiderate. Krista has always been a selfish bitch but I never expected this from Davis.

Oliver stopped by with some arrows he had made out of various materials around the apartment complex. He brought them over as a conversation starter. During training each week he and I had taken up crossbow practice. Not too many were interested in it. Avery, Benny's adopted eldest daughter, had started training with us as well.

Benny had found Avery held up in the apartment they sleep in. Benny and his family use to live in a house a couple hours away. They had lost a wife and four kids in the journey to these apartments. With all the loss they had decided to make this gated housing work. Avery just happened to be in the first apartment they had decided to clear. She had held herself up in the attic and was on day four without food and barely had any water left. There was a zombie in the apartment with her she had been evading... her own mother.

Benny and the wives took her in. She was 12 when that happened. On her thirteenth birthday, just weeks later Benny gave her a hunting knife to help protect herself. Now, two years later, Avery fights with her entire everything. She hasn't left the gate in years but she has taken care of some walkers within the gate during initial clean up and Avery has even gotten a few right outside the gate. She says every shambler has her mothers face and she can't stand to relive that again. It makes it easier, she says.

Anyway, Oliver brought over these arrows and we discussed the group. It turns out Oliver and Krista were a live-in couple before this but had been on the outs months before the infection hit. They stuck together even though the romance was long over. John is his younger brother. Krista saved John's life by deciding to get John from his middle school after calling Oliver and realizing he couldn't get to John himself. Oliver was a first year lawyer in a big building in Downtown Chicago. Krista was a bar-ista at a local Brew and Booze joint, closer to the school and farther out of town. Ever since then Oliver felt obligated to help her survive. John had a cellphone on him so in the chaos Oliver was able to notify John of his impending get away car.

Oliver got his first taste of killing  the undead as he ascended the stairs. His hard briefcase as his weapon and his love of running fueling his escape. It took him twelve hours but he made it to Krista and John at a campground they would vacation with every summer with John. They had stolen an RV from the campground and came across Jeremy and Kroger at a gas station and decided to group up. They just drove and drove in a convoy until the RV bit the dust.  Then they continued to drive until gas became more bountiful than food. Avoiding big buildings was becoming more difficult to do if they were going to find a decent amount of food for everyone in the group. They were down to rationing a can of food amongst five people once a day. They were starving. They had stopped at the gas station at the end of the street hoping to find food but instead they spotted our gated apartments and as a group decided it was time to scavenge more houses for food.

As they drove by our place they spotted Cam and Zach playing soccer and decided to check us out.

Oliver and I talked for hours. He ended up crashing on the couch and I am now typing this up and watching his chest rise and fall as he sleeps.

I can't help but feel comfort in the presence of another being. Together is the way it has to be.

Music

I miss music.

I never even realized how quiet it is. Well, as quiet as moans and screams in the middle of the night can be.

I guess I never was able to slow down long enough to notice. For the most part being quiet is a lifestyle these days. The kids even know what level of "not so quiet" they are allowed. The baby is nearly smothered to death with attention to keep her quiet. Everyone here keeps a mellow level of noise. When we get angry at each other it turns into an assertive whisper rather than yells. At first I liked it but now... now I'm just bored.

Is it allowed to be bored during the apocalypse? I guess this place has gotten me feeling safe and pillowy. Well, okay, there was a snag with the girls not too long ago but that was exciting in hindsight. It did get us all paranoid that since it happened basically under my nose and didn't hear it that maybe these apartments are too insulated. We all are required to sleep with our windows just barely cracked so we don't let the "human smell" out. We bury our human waste in a pit and try not to leave anything outside that has been recently used by us. (Cups, silverware, kids toys, etc) We try to make this place look deserted as possible. We don't want anyone to jump us in the middle of the night thinking they can take us over. That is why we have overnight watch. Those on overnight patrol can't even kill a zombie until morning if they don't seem to be of immediate danger to us.

We now have TWO people on shift at night. During the day while everyone is around we seem to have a better span of watching out for the shamblers but since craziness happened on the backside of the place we now have someone perched on my stoop every night. I just happened to be in the middle far back. Lucky me, right? I have to get use to a lot of new noises. I try to take as many shifts as possible just to give my space back. I'm becoming nocturnal. My night vision is much better and the sun beats down on me during the day like I'm a vampire. I still try to manage to meet for "community dinners" and lunches and the like. I have to show my face. I have to play normal. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm faking it but other times it's all I can do to not chop everyone up into little pieces and feed them to the hungry idiots outside of these gates.

Davis says I'm punishing myself. He says I shouldn't punish myself. It's not my fault, he says. But it is my fault. If Buffy and I hadn't started what we did she wouldn't have been out and about. I put her in the line of fire. I keep reminding myself is being around other humans is the key to surviving this. I don't want to become feral again. We all need companionship... no matter on what level. I guess Davis has stepped in as a close friend. We talk the most. Or at least he's the one I talk to the most out of the group. We can speak freely. It started when he came over to talk about his daughters. He sobbed. I watched a much other man cry into his hands like a little injured kid. Ever since then we've had a weird air around us. It's like our energies are linked-- if that makes any sense. It's not romantic by any stretch but we definitely have something going on that we didn't before. Lilly has noticed and has become more attached to Benny. I see their marriage crumbling before my eyes and it seems so normal. Even though there are zombies nipping at our heels there is still time for married-life qualms and secrets.

I keep telling Davis that I wouldn't mind telling Lilly. To save his marriage. I would take the blame for both daughters to save the angst and just clear the air. That I would take the heat. He refuses. He doesn't want me to possibly be kicked from the group. I tell him that it wouldn't happen that way because if I was the one bitten one of them would've killed me before I turned. It's the agreement. No suffering, no questions... just whack.... death. Real death.

Davis has started taking up with Krista. Both he and Lilly are doing the post apocalyptic divorce. The rings had been long taken off. In the beginning people were chopping off fingers of others to get to precious stones that are more worth paperweights these days. Anyone with sense removed all jewelry and either stored it safely or tossed it to the thieves before they could get close enough to cause harm. Our jewelry and social standard is what weapons you are carrying and how many. Instead of earrings it's a knife. Instead of diamonds it's a bullet belt. Instead of lavish necklaces it's a pick axe.

We are still held by the the same standards society has set up for us, just different. No one has really batted an eye at the adjustment. Krista has moved in with Davis and Lilly is a new sister wife. Since I've been sleeping through most days to me it seemed to happen simultaneously. Jeremy is annoyed about Krista but knows not to mess with Davis since he is a "founder". As a whole we feel that fighting amongst ourselves is a sure way to die in the teeth of our common enemy.

They Knew

No sleep. No sleep.

Every time I close my eyes I see them... pawing, scratching and grunting.

Benny is trying to be upset for Davis. Lilly has now become the recluse. Davis spoke to me yesterday since he was relieving me of my patrol shift. I didn't say anything at first but as I was walking away he stopped me.

"They knew." Was all he said. I turned to look at him with a puzzled look on my face. "They knew I would take them out at the first sign of infection." He was making eye contact so I tried to keep my facial expression as neutral as possible. "I have been a dooms day prepper since my daddy was alive. He lived through a war. I was raised to think on my toes and do what it takes to survive. My girls shown such weakness."

I slowly sucked in air through my nose but my throat felt like it was closing up and I could feel the tears roll down my face. "Don't... just... you don't have to explain anything to me. Honestly, you did the right thing. It just.... fucking sucks. It sucks that they're gone no matter how they left, ya know?"

Davis wiped his face with his handkerchief and took in a deep breath, "Thank you. Thanks for saying that." After an awkward shuffle he gave me a one armed bro hug and I went back to my apartment to sob.

As far as I know no one else knows the full story. Other than the "leaders" of the group. I hope it stays that way. Davis wasn't sparing Lilly of much, she considers them dead just like all of her other family she can't keep close tabs on.

Out of nowhere Jeremy brought me a duffle bag and said, "it was hers." Without any more follow up he walks off. I think he needed it out of their apartment so it wouldn't raise suspension. I found small trinkets from her past that I only know vaguely of. Her wedding band, a pocket photo of her daughter and husband, a couple pieces of jewelry, clothes, and a couple letters.

I also have her weapons. She had a knife on her that I had found in the bushes by my building. It raised more questions than answers but I knew it was Buffy's weapon. I close my eyes and play the scenarios out in my mind.

Elliott is asleep in the apartment Charlie is held up in. Charlie decides to end herself in the middle of the night, maybe in the empty tub with the bathroom door closed. Charlie awakens to strange noises only to open the door to find an already mobile corpse of her sister. Stunned she stands there, reaching out to the image of her sister only to realize it's too late as Charlie chomps down on Elliott's hand. Then I don't know... Elliott runs from her sister out of the apartment leaving the door open? Once Elliott is safe she realizes she's already been bitten and is too scared to go get help?

Then as Buffy is on her way to my place she spots Charlie facing a bush? With Charlie's back to Buffy, just standing there motionless it must have freaked her out. Buffy pulled her knife and had a scuffle with undead Charlie and managed to get bit on the shoulder. Charlie feasted until Buffy began to reanimate... then they decided to pay me a visit?

I'm going to puke.

Erased.

Last night I immobilized Buffy's shambling corpse.

I was waiting.
Waiting for her arrival.
Waiting.

It was late... or early. Depending on what your stance is.

I heard the bells.  The soft twinkle of foreboding.  The bells I had strapped to the barbed wire wrapped around the rails of the stairs leading up to my apartment. I had carpet on the stairs under it so humans could climb over without harm. Zombies would get snagged.

Zombies did snag.

Two of them.

Charlie and Buffy. Scratching at the air in my direction. Rumors amongst the living is that shamblers have acute memory of their living past. A fresh zombie does unfinished business by reflex.

Even in the dark I could see the deep gashes in Charlie's wrists. The dark ooze that ran down Buffy's front. I could imagine how it all panned out. I pushed Charlie down the stairs so I could deal with Buffy. I gritted my teeth and brought my machete around to decapitate Buffy. Her head just past Charlie on her stumbly crawl back up the stairs. I patiently waited for Charlie to get back up to the barbed wires. I hesitated before I took her head off too. I did three almost hits before I connected. I didn't even know I was crying until I sounded the alarm on the walkie. One by one the apartments checked in.

"Benny. All is safe."
"Jeremy. Missing Buffy."
"Davis. Missing Elliott. "

Elliott. Elliott. Elliott. Elliott. Elliott.

"Use caution but I need you guys here. Code Z. I repeat: Code Z."

I dropped the walkie and ran down the stairs. I collectes the heads and put them safely in the middle of the bodies. Their jaws still moving and gurgling noises escape their mouths.

The guys got to me right as I tossed the heads.

"Davis.... I'm so so sorry." I put my arms up just in time for a scream to be heard from the apartment Charlie was staying in. We watched as Elliott ran over and threw herself at her father's feet. She raised her bloody hands in a begging jester and Davis pulled out his hunting knife and plunged it deep into her eye socket.

We all must have been equally shocked because as he cleaned his knife off he simply said, "She had a bite in her hand. Behead her and toss her into the pool with the rest. Burn them before Lilly sees. As far as she knows these girls ran off. As far was as I'm concerned they left together weeks ago. Sunrise is about an hour. I'd be grateful if they were embers before breakfast." He nodded to us and left somberly.

We did as he said.

No one but me cares that Buffy hasn't been seen. Jeremy started a rumor that she helped the twins leave and probably too ashamed to come back. That she probably feels obligated to help them survive. The bodies we burned were the shamblers that breached the gate as they slipped out. Their pockets were empty.

Erased. Just like that.

Just like that.

Comfort & Gossip

Buffy visits me at night. 

We, uhhh, get acquainted and then she goes back to her apartment that she shares with her group. 

Even though they have been brought into the group officially we aren't sure how everyone will react. Charlie has locked herself in a apartment apart from her parents.  Elliott is often seen breaking in through an unlocked window because Charlie refuses to unlock the door. 

Surprisingly enough Davis doesn't hold a visible grudge towards me about his daughter.  He doesn't even talk about her unless asked. We always ask. Krista is making bets for cigarettes saying that Charlie will kill herself. Elliott assures us that her sister is just in mourning and will be back in the group functioning in no time. Until then I have picked up some of Charlie's chores to show no hard feelings. I even tried to visit her but she just stayed in there, silent.

Kroger is starting a garden. Benny had a small one but Kroger has green thumbs. Both hands. In the short time he's been here he has made the squash flourish and every leaf on every plant seems happier. Kroger even talks with Benny and his kids. He doesn't talk too much to anyone else though. Buffy says he just is picky about who he warms up to but not to take it personally. Kroger doesn't speak to her either but he is kind in his silence, anyway. 

We are pretty sure that Davis and Krista have hooked up too. Even though Krista is my age and Davis is easily in his fifties, she isn't being covert about it. Lilly just ignores it. Amongst Buffy's group they think that Lilly will join as a sister wife with Benny's crew. 

The heat comes and goes, the abundance of rain has kept the shambling idiots at bay. No one has ventured outside the gate in awhile. We have started a paper inventory of what we have in stock so we can plan on a scavenge mission before we get too low on anything. There are enough of us now that we only have one overnight of watch a week on a rotating schedule. We have scheduled voluntary training Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. We rotate who runs it but mainly it's Davis with his military training.

Awhile ago Benny found a rather old metal push mower that doesn't need gas or electricity. I have found a new love for cutting the grass. It's such a workout! My shoulders have gotten brown from the sun. Buffy likes to count my freckles. 

It's so strange that we are becoming so comfortable in our living situation. Even Imogen is allowed out of the apartment and so far her cries have only attracted a few manageable zombies to the gate. We stab them in the eye socket with a rather large knife with little effort. It seems like the only time we get out of the gate is to collect the bodies and burn them in the pool. 

I can almost relax. I get nightmares. We all get nightmares. But I think I can manage. The only thing I take seriously is myself and my safety.... everything else is a wash.

Undead Girlfriend

Yesterday was such a mess.

Buffy wasn't out to sabotage the group but it still sent a ripple out. Soon after I made the entry yesterday there was a knock on the door, the twins.

Elliott and Charlie were both highly upset about my house guest. Their yelling woke Buffy up. I had no words, I didn't know what to say... how to make it right again. Apparently Jeremy was frantically searching for her and was causing everyone else stress.

"I just thought-- Nevermind." Charlie said with tears swelling up. I knew what she thought, and she was right. We had been playing a mental game ever since I got here but we had never physically acted on it. Just random touches here or there, spotting each other during work outs or lingering hugs. I thought it was just the need for companionship, not sexual. I guess I was wrong. "Hey, life is to short for drama, okay? This sucks but I don't want to be on bad terms. I don't want to regret words. We can talk later." Charlie shot Buffy a look, bit her lip and motioned to her sister to leave with her. They closed the front door and I spun around to face Buffy.

"Well, I should get back now. I don't want Jeremy to cause us to get kicked out." Buffy finished getting dressed and left... not even a kiss good bye.

I sat by myself and sipped my coffee. My stomach was in knots. I did a breathing exercise I used before the zombies, my anxiety breathing. My, "Everything works out in the end" and "I can do this." mantra. Having feelings was strange. How calm everyone was even though tension was high was strange. Things are different now.

Another knock at the door.
This should be wonder-fucking-ful.

"Hi. Umm, sorry about earlier. I just--- didn't know how to act. Ya know... about that girl." Charlie stood there, sniffling between words. I couldn't help but be surprised at how upset she was. Even though we flirted it always felt more of a reflex than anything else. Teenage girls flirt and especially flirt with people that would make their Daddy angry... that's all. I thought. "Jasmine, one of the cheerleaders... well... come with me." She grabbed my hand and lead me to the far corner storage unit. My throat was clogged with anxiety, I could barely swallow. I knew what she was going to show me before she pushed open the large door. A hog tied zombie lay in the corner. The smell made my eyes water.

You never get use to the smell. Out in the open it becomes a tool to know when they are coming but in close quarters it's just like finding a dead body that has been forgotten about for months, in a car, on the hottest day of the year. Bugs won't even feed on these gnarly bastards. I covered my nose and mouth with my shirt. From the noise of us approaching the tied up beast started thrashing and kicking. Black ooze leaked from around her bindings, her skin was torn from thrashing around. Charlie sat down on the floor beside me. We had an easy six feet between us and the thing Charlie called Jasmine.

I pulled my knife from it's holster and looked at Charlie. We both jumped when Elliott slipped under the storage door. Charlie continued into her quiet sobs while Elliott put a hand on my shoulder.

"Jasmine was Charlie's girlfriend. They were on the squad together and our parents just thought she was a close friend. Charlie saved Jazzy in the beginning and we moved here. Their relationship became hard to hide when we were all crammed in the truck for days getting here. Daddy even blamed Jazzy for the deaths of the other girls. Our parents ignored their relationship because obviously there was bigger shit to deal with. Jazzy got bit while we were helping Benny and his family secure these apartments. Charlie and Jazzy wanted to have their own apartment to have more privacy." Elliott made a grimace, "Well, Charlie tied her up when she died before she... came back. I helped her put the body in here. I thought--" Elliot choked by a sob, "I hoped that Jazzy was taken care of."

"I couldn't do it." Charlie sobbed.

I walked over and plunged my blade deep into the skull of the undead cheerleader. The thrashing stopped and her body went limp. I pulled the knife out and blackness oozed everywhere. I spat at the ground to get the smell out of my mouth. I wiped my knife off on the dead girl's pant leg. I calmly walked back over to a hunched-over sobbing Charlie and her sister who was consoling her. I leaned over to be face to face with Charlie and lifted up her face by the chin with my now black ooze splattered hand. She shivered with pain and tears as I told her very solemnly, "That wasn't your Jazzy. This isn't a game. You put everyone at risk. Are you hiding any more dead girlfriends? You have to clean this shit up. Got me?" I kissed her forehead, nodded to her sister and walked out of the storage unit straight to Davis and Lilly who were talking with Krista and Jeremy in the courtyard. I had black splatters on my pants and shirt. As I approached Jeremy and Davis reached for their weapons.

"I would say relax it's me, but I'm pretty sure my news isn't going to be a day at the spa." I said through clinched teeth.

Since it was in the middle of the day we all helped the twins clean up the storage unit and burned the officially dead girlfriend. Charlie won't even look in my direction and Elliott keeps talking for her and apologizing profusely. Buffy and I haven't spoken about our night together. No one in the group has brought it up either. Tonight is my night to keep watch so people think I will be sleeping most of the day. I think it's a good thing.

It's amazing how the end of the world can put things in perspective. Krista is banging all the men in her group. Even Kroger who apparently doesn't speak. They call him Kroger because that's where they found him. Held up in a grocery store he was a night janitor at. Smart hiding place, if you ask me. He kind of speaks through hand jesters and Jeremy swears he's said a few words in the year they've been in the "Zed Wars" together. Jeremy was a teenage drug dealer turned distributor to now zombie killer. Kroger was the first "living being not out to kill anything that moved" (his words) he came across after the dead stopped dying completely. Point is-- no one cares about that extra drama. If anything the group is just happy to be "gettin' some" and now they are happy to be semi-comfortable. They have a whole apartment building now like the Benny's. Both levels of building seven. It was decided last night to integrate them officially. That means putting them on the patrol and the work schedule. We run like a hippy commune. I guess it helps that Benny's family has training in running and feeding large groups.

We are all just happy to be alive and now that all the skeletons are out of the... umm... storage units, we may be able to move forward.

Dumb Libido

Is this what being hung over feels like?

It feels like it's been years since I've had this pang between my ears and the nausea built up inside. It's so bright outside.

I woke up next to Buffy this morning.

Yes, like the vampire slayer. She said she always loved the show and renamed herself almost instantly once everything went to shit. She met up with Jeremy and the others after a few months on the run. Jeremy is smitten with her but is involved with Krista. Krista is also involved with Oliver and John, from what I gather.

I'm warming up a few coals to boil water to make coffee. Buffy is still passed out inside. What the fuck is wrong with me? These people have been here for three days and I'm shacking up with one?

Well, I don't think we did anything too much last night. Not that I remember anyway. It's all a blur really. A big, big, blur. I can't trust this girl, she may have planned something awful for the rest. Maybe she was just slowing me down so her friends could get to the others?

Fuck.

I can't believe I let my dumb libido get in the way... again.

Fuck.